The Ties That Bind... And Gag
My family is awesome. I'm not just saying this because they read my blog AND because it's only two days till Christmas AND they paid me to do it. It's because they all are just as nutty as I am and they make me laugh till cold beverages come out my nose.
Since I'm "on vacation" and too busy with Christmas fun to make regular blog updates, I'm recycling a favorite post from my sister, Heather, who has been blogging since they were "web-logs". If you ever thought I had issues.... well, read on.
A little background here. This post was written back in 2003. I don't know if you recall, but there was a rolling blackout in the northeast that year. Sister Heather and her fiancee, Brian were living in an apartment in the Rochester area. That's enough 411 for ya, here's the post.
I've got these big Russian dudes ripping out all the windows of my apartment. They have scaffolding set up outside all my windows and they sit out there smoking cigarettes, and saying stuff like this: "Iusyedtr vjehffeg dofghort oierkdsnf lnfoerh fvlneortg iretjjfng!!!! Hahahahaha!!!"
I spy on them. I can press my eyeball up to the window blinds and spy on them like TWO INCHES from where they are standing and they don't even know I'm there. Of course, since I don't understand what they are talking about, they are probably saying, "Psssst, don't look now, but that BIG SCARY EYEBALL is back in the window again. This chick needs to GET A LIFE."
They are set up outside my SHOWER WINDOW alllllllllllll day. I can't pee. I can't poop. I can't shower because I've got Russian men in my shower window peeking in.
Thursday night is ALWAYS date night, and Brian and I were going to go to dinner and see a movie. I needed to go to Rite Aid Drug Store to get some girly aloe/moisturizer soothing cream 'cuz between the heat, humidity, chafe-y shorts and my sensitive skin, my upper thighs had gotten sweaty and chafed, and I needed relief - not IMMEDIATE relief - but some *eventual* relief.
FINALLY the Russians moved their scaffolding from the window at 3 pm. I needed to color my hair because I look like Gutter Trash Ho, Inc.
I squirted and lathered and basked in ammonia-stink-ooze.
Ten minutes later, at a little after 4 pm yesterday, my power went out. I was miffed, because I was totally grooving on a website all about the Kennedy assassination and the REAL alien autopsy and I lost it.
I figured that the Russians had accidentally cut the power to the apartment, and I was going to give them just a few minutes to fix it before I went Medieval on their hides.
I also figured I'd better hog the entire apartment complex water supply in a hurry, because I'll be buggered if I'm gonna lose all my hair from not washing all that goop out of it, simply because the people next door stole all the water first. I hopped in, lathered up, rinsed off, and was able to hog ALL the water to myself. I exited the bathroom, (still no power), threw on some clothes, headed out to Rite Aid Drug Store for my personal needs, and off to find an ATM for some date night spending scratch.
The Russians said hi as I left and then added, "uhfdrf djnfvouerh sodfhowuef sfmniwhr - Hahahahaha!"
Translation: There's that freaky blonde who keeps staring at us out of her window blinds - Hahahahaha!
Bastards. I hate it when they talk about me.
Anyway, I pulled into Rite Aid and FREAKY-END OF-WORLD GUY is there. The bugger is standing in the door, screaming at the top of his lungs: IT'S HUGE!! IT'S HUGE!!! THE WHOLE U.S. IS WITHOUT POWER!! THE ELECTRIC COMPANIES HAVE SMOKE BILLOWING OUT OF THEM!!! IT'S GOING TO BE WEEKS BEFORE WE GET POWER BACK!!!
I started to freak. With this revelation, I realize that I can't get my feminine moisturizing cream because the power is out; you can't use debit cards when there's no power; I have no cash.
I drove home, can't find a radio station with an update as to why the world has come to an end - none of the radio stations have power.
I arrive home, called Brian - his phone is dead. And by now, I'm sure he is too.
I ring my mom. Mistake? Maybe . . .
Me: DON'T USE YOUR CORDLESS PHONE!! THERE'S NO POWER!! (not really sure what the hell I was thinking)
Mom: (totally confused) Wha?????
Me: are you on your cordless?????
Mom: ummmmm, yeah? Why?
Me: MOM !!! IT'S HUGE!! THE ENTIRE UNITED STATES HAS LOST POWER - - EXCEPT YOU!!!!!!!
Mom: What???? (clicks tv on)
Me: You got the tv on???? What's happening???? MOM?? IS SOMETHING HAPPENING?????
Mom: (distracted) Yeah, it's on! It's on the news! Quick, turn your tv on!
Me: I DON'T HAVE ANY DAMNED POWER!
Mom: (giggle) Oh, yeah. (giggle)
Me: MOM!! THIS ISN'T FUNNY!!! I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH, THERE'S NO POWER, AND I GOTTA GET A TUBE OF FEMININE MOISTURIZING CREAM 'CUZ I'M ALL CHAFE-Y DOWN THERE!
Mom: Busts out laughing
Me: IT'S NOT FUNNY! THIS IS REALLY SERIOUS!!!!
Mom: (Busts out laughing again) Ohhhh, honey. It's ok. Just wait till Brian gets home and you two can have a nice romantic evening (trying to control fits of giggling) OH, WAIT!!! (giggle fit) You CAN'T have a romantic evening!! (giggle fit) YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR FEMININE MOISTURIZING CREAM!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . .
Me: (Waiting for mom to settle down with her laughing fit)
So that's how my day went yesterday - I hope you didn't lose power, and if you did, I hope you didn't call mom.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
The Ties That Bind... And Gag